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zante

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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2005|01:08 am]
zante
I've been using my dairy lately, but I'm kinda worried that my parents are gonna find it and read it or something. And it's so much faster to write in here with the typing and all.

Grounded. Because me and Kelly snuck out at 2 AM with Francis, John, and Roe-j to go ride a tractor. I don't think they're allowed to hang out with me anymore, but oh well. I'll be going to OHS next year anyhow.

I stopped cutting, but now that I'm grounded I think I'm gonna start again. Kelly still does it on here thighs and shoulders.

Bleh I don't feel like typing all that I've been writing lately.

It's kinda weird what I've been thinking for the past hour. They never tell the story of the guys who get shot first. I mean, it's not like they can, really...there's nothing to say about them really...it's just...they're so underappreciated. Someone's gotta go first, and they're just the unlucky bastards that got picked that time. It's the most senseless waste of human life though. No matter how much they wanna fight, they didn't do anything.

I'm making no sense. I'm gonna go make a new one of these.
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(no subject) [Jan. 16th, 2005|10:37 pm]
zante
I went to youth group at All Saints, except we sorta skipped. Me, John, pants man, and Matt stayed outside and froze our asses off. John didn't really talk to me that much..I dunno what that was about, but he apoligized for it like 5 times online. I said it was fine, but I guess he still felt bad because he called, but since my fuckin cell doesn't get reception in the basement I missed it. His voioicemail message said that he was really sorry, and he knows that I said it was ok, but he still feels really bad. I had fun just listening to everyone and stuff. And John gave me this little notebook thats pink and has this cat on the front that says bonjour. He said it reminded him of me so he had to get it. Haha it's so cool. It reminds me of Jade.

I was freezing my ass off, and Brian asked if anyone besides he was cold, so I said that I was, and so he handed me his cigarette and said, 'Take a drag of this and you'll be warmer.' I said no thanks though because I thought I'd smell like smoke. But I really just didn't want his cigarette. I woulda had one of my own, but I don't like sharing them with people. And I don't know if the other guys there are cool with that...I kinda wish I had though..because I'd like it if Brian thought I was cool.
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(no subject) [Jan. 2nd, 2005|10:27 pm]
zante
New Years was awesome. Luke invited me to his CYO lockin. We didn't sleep at all. It was cool because there were a couple of Seton people there so I had someone to hang with and didn't have to follow Luke around the whole night. I was sitting in a chair, and Luke came and sat down next to me. We were just talking but all of a sudden I had the strongest urge to reach over and start making out with him. It was so weird. Damnit though, that kid is so annoying. I don't think he likes me. He's a cool friend, I guess, but still. Why am I cursed?

Oh well I'm not worried though. It's a new year, I'm not depressed, and I could have a guy if I wanted. Lorne dropped his jaw when he saw me. It was so funny. But it was slightly creepy because he's not that nice lookin and he was staring at me. But I do want a guy. Just not him. Someone at least semi-hot. And I've got a feeling it's gonan happen this year. Maybe not with Luke, but with someone. It's weird because it's not even that I like him a ton anymore....but when I'm near him it's just nicer. I need a new guy to replace him. He's not interested for whatever reason, so it's time to move on. And I'm ok with that. I'm gonna stop putting my heart into these things. Maybe sometime when it's safe to I'll start again. But until then it's just not worth it.

I met some reeeeally hot guys at the lockin. Like freakin gorgeous. And they were really nice. I talked to them a bunch, and they seemed more than willing to hang out. I was cursing the damn chaste rule they set up at the beginning of the night. Michelle was trying to hook me up with Tim the other day. She was talking to him online. So he goes, "I'm not gonns hook up with her unless she drops my jaw." I think I'll drop his jaw and then just leave him hanging to get him back for saying that. I'm kinda annoyed that Luke isn't interested, so my new goal is to break every single heart I can. I've already got 3. Rejection really makes me a bitch.
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(no subject) [Dec. 29th, 2004|11:54 pm]
zante
So I found out from Kelly that John had asked Mrs. Lucas to make Thomas sit next to her so that I would feel more comfortable. That made me so happy. I mean, I thought he was okay and all, but now he's definitely my friend. Cool kid. But then he posted a comment on my xanga saying he needs to talk to me about something soon....sounds ominious..

Anways, snaps for John, but...unsnaps for Luke...damn that boy

Once again, I'm confused. I know, big surprise. When I got online this afternoon, he asks me if I have any plans for New Years, and then he invites me to his CYO party. It's a lockin, so for 15 hours. But then I get online tonight, and we're in a chat with some of jenny's friends, and he says oh yeah Terry, I need to tell you about my new girl friend.

Thump. That's that sound of my stomach hitting the floor. So I'm in total shock, and then a couple minutes later he leaves. So then I'm tryint to get up the coursge to ask him what he meant, but then he sends me one of his movies. So I download it and am trying to watch it when he says he has to go. So he leaves. And leaves me in complete confusion.

Damn that boy. He could mean his new friend who's a girl. Or he could be joking. Yeah right. I know I'm cursed, why do I even bother? And the day was so good....now I'm going to go drink and get my mind off of him. Pathetic. I hate myself.
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Turning over a new leaf [Dec. 29th, 2004|12:03 am]
zante
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]

I've just realized that this year is good. I can't wait until New Year's so that all of last (well really this year) is gone. It was really horrible until maybe july, and it just got good now.

I mean, I have a whole new set of friends, a whole new personality, and it's all working for me. I mean, sure, sometimes I hate it all, because it's really hard to change yourself, but I think it's working.

Starting New Year's I'm going to go vegetarian. I've been trying so many new things that one more definitely isn't going to hurt. And with all I've been reading about animal cruelty, I think it's a good choice. I definitely don't want to support anyone who does all those horrible things to animals.

But my point is, this year is good. I'm not depressed anymore (I know now that I was last year. I can't believe I let myself sink so low as I did...) and I love my new circle of friends. They all think I'm a really cool kid, and they respect me.

And I've also realized that if Luke doesn't like me, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with me. There'll be other guys. It's not going to hit me as hard as it would. I'm not going to let it.
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(no subject) [Dec. 27th, 2004|02:00 am]
zante
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]
[Current Music |Ministry]

Well there's not much drama today. Didn't talk to Fred at all. But then Alex stole Luke's sn from my buddy list, and she started talking to him. Nothing interesting, except he said that he can't believe I like him, because I'm so much cooler than he is. But once again, that doesn't help me. He's still leaving me hanging. But Kelly invited me to a movie with her and Russell, and she told me to invite people. So I'll invite him and ask him about it then.


((Excuse the blatant stereotyping in the next paragraphs))


Anyways, I'm confused, as always, but this time it's not about Luke. I know that I'm goth. I've come to that realization. I'm not punk, as much as I'd like to be. Punks are fun, crazy, wild. I am none of those. My cynical sense of humor makes me bearble to be around. But I don't like people. I don't have that disreagard for authority. I don't have that I-don't-care-what-you-think-of-me-so-fuck-off attitude. I like black, and vampires, the occult, the middle ages, sisters of mercy, depeche mode, bauhaus. I want to be left alone. My favorite thing to do is read. Edgar Allen Poe inspires me. I love nightime.


And I hate all of it. There's nothing more that I want to be than "punk". But I can't change who I am. And people see through my attempt to be anything other than what I am. Everyday, people pose the question, "Are you goth?" I'm in a fucking catholic school uniform. I wear a single black string around my neck, and two earrings in each ear. That's hardly the basis for calling someone goth. My backpack is red, with numerous buttons, patches, and safety pins. Yet not often do I hear, "Are you punk?" People seem to have almost a 6th sense, detecting what is not evident by my dress or forced mannerisms.

Still I refuse to embrace this new realization. At least punks have some sort of rebel, attractive quality about them. But in my world, goths are looked upon as freaks. No matter how much I repeat to myself that other people's opinions don't matter, I still inwardly cringe at the thought of being an outcast, ridiculed by my peers. I've been trying so hard this year, and I have new friends, a new persona, a new life.

It's like one of those beautiful red apples that looks so tantalizing when it's shining in your hand, but when you bite into it, it's decaying, rotten, a broken facade of brilliance.
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(no subject) [Dec. 26th, 2004|12:55 am]
zante
[Current Mood |blankblank]
[Current Music |My Chemical Romance- Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge]

So Luke is just leaving me hanging. We talked for awhile tonight....Kelly told him that I didn't like him anymore..I told her that to make her stop bugging me. So he asked if it was true and I told him it wasn't. And then he was asking if I'd told anyone that I liked him..and I told him that no one knew except Katee, and she guessed. Which she did. Paul knows, I guess, but I told him awhile ago that I didn't like Luke anymore, because he was being really mean to him and all.
So then Luke tells me that I should call him later...I said, "Eh, maybe." Trying to feign indifference....I guess it's a little late for that. But I'm really confused because if he didn't like me, then why would he do this to me?!? It's really painful..I mean, I completely put myself out there, and leaving someone in suspense is worse then just getting shot down. I would like it alot better if he just told me one way or the other. I should just ask him what's up with this because as I said before, I've got nothing to lose, and that way at least it'd be resolved and I could move on, and we could be friends again.
I hope this whole thing doesn't kill our friendship because, I mean, he's still a really cool kid, and if he doesn't like me like that, then I'd at least like to have him as a friend. I hope that possibility didn't die when I told him I liked him...but I had to say something. And now I've done it, and it's over with, and I think it's for the better.
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(no subject) [Dec. 22nd, 2004|01:20 am]
zante
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |Story of the Year- Until the day I die]

Well, the drama was abundant tonight.

First some pre-drama:

Fred likes me. Why, why can't the guys who I like like me? Why all these other kids? I mean, he's nice and all, but he is in 8th grade, and he thinks he's smarter than he is. He's really very naive. But he told Kelly that I'm really hot, and how much he likes me. And now I feel bad because he's been telling me how he's been depressed because his parents are divorced and his dad is an asshole and all. And I feel so bad because I don't wanna make his life any worse. And every time he says something nice like, " I've never met anyone like you before," or something like that, I mentally punch myself. And he thinks that like him because I wrote on his hand. What, there was no paper.

Ok, now the real thing:

I told Luke that I liked him. It was so hard, but it was like jumping into water. Just do it. Haha, I sound like a nike commercial or whatever. So anyways, then he says that he's kinda liked me for awhile, but he's not sure. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!?! So then he goes on asking me when I started liking him and all, and I just answered because I mean, what have I got to lose now. I'm happy that I did it, but now I'm so vulnerable. It's so easy for him to hurt me now. And he's giving me such confusing signals. First he says that there's only one thing wrong with winter break: He's not gonna see me. But then at the end of our convo, he says that he's glad that I told him. That's it. And then he said that he was happy. I'm so confused. Once again, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? What does it MEAN??

I was explaining my situation to Caty and she said that I should just find someone that definitely likes me. And maybe I'm being too picky. But I like who I like, and I'm so subborn because I refuse to like anyone else but them. Not alot I can do about that. I just don't want to settle. Whoever works out is gonns be my first bf, I want it to be good. Most people are just like, "Eh, so I'm going out with another guy," but I just can't so that. I can't take it that lightly.

But oh well.
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(no subject) [Dec. 19th, 2004|11:36 pm]
zante
The curse has struck again. Yeah, I just talked to Luke online, and he was bugging me about who I liked again, so finally he asked if it was him. I said "Why would you say that?" And he was like, because otherwise you woulda told me. So I said, "Well what if it was?" And he said "That'd be fine with me. There were these other two freshmen who used to like me, and I still talk to them a bunch." And then I was like, Ok...well I'm gonna go now, and he was like nooo, we're not finished yet. So I said what, and he asked if it was him, and I just said maybe, then bye, and then I left.

Motherfucking fucker of a fucking fuck. Grrr I tell someone that I like them pretty straightforward (well for me anyhow) and now it's so obvious that he doesn't like me. "I'd be fine with that." Nooooo, don't want you to be freakin fine with that. Damnit, damnit, damnit. I feel like such a fucking idiot. How the hell am I supposed to look at him ever again. And I still fucking like him. Shit, why can't I every have any luck with guys. What is fucking wrong with me??????????????????????????????

That's all I want to know.
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(no subject) [Dec. 19th, 2004|11:00 pm]
zante
Damn I really need to do something about this...I think I might be depressed. I just reeeeally don't like people anymore. I just want them to leave me the fuck alone. And I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I really need to figure out what to do about Luke. I could just tell him that I like him, but it's like I just can't put myself out there. The thought of being shot down makes me cringe. I would never be able to stand that. I already cut enough, I don't need another reason.
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